Fuckbeak and Friends/ Chapter 3
Down the Faggot Hole is the third chapter of the Dirty Potter audiobook series “Fuckbeak and Friends”. Transcript 'Jim Dale ' - (Jim Dale says “Smegma” and poiks and farts in time with the Sonic the Hedgehog theme) Warning: this audiobook series is too immature. Warning: this audiobook series contains your mum’s tits (chuckles). Dirty Potter presents Fuckbeak and Friends. Chapter 3: Down the Faggot Hole. Read for you by Jim Dale. Fuckbeak had turned his dick inside out, beating off all morning to hentai dating games on his computer, as well as extreme Brazilian farting websites AND faggot rainbow ponies. After he had gone wanky-fap-fap into his socks for perhaps the hundredth time today, and put them back onto his feet, Fuckbeak sank into his chair, smoked three whole joints that made him feel extremely high, and began shitposting le epic maymays all over 4chan and Reddit for hours and hours (top kek, mate) until he fell asleep and didn’t have to think or feel anymore. Several hours afterward, Fuckbeak awoke to a massive belch. “(rumbling) BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRP!!” It was his own. It smelled like rancid Mountain Dew, alcohol, cannabis and cheesy snacks. He tried to stand, but found that he was too fucked up to manage it. So he sat hiccuping, looking like a large and very ugly doll. He sat there in the dark for quite a long time until finally, he remembered that Snape was teaching the afternoon’s double potions today. Taking care not to knock over his favorite Twilight Sparkle fleshlight, he grabbed his fedora from the shelf (m’lady), and hurried to the door. Fuckbeak descended the stair to Snape’s dungeon, and on the outside was a sign with these words scrawled in something disgusting: ‘You are now approaching the poo zone’. Ignoring this and bending down to stare through the window, Fuckbeak took off one of his shoes, pulled off his slimy, filthy sock and stuffed his magical, one-eyed custard-chucker into it. Then he watched with his dick in his hand as Snape’s lesson began. "Class, sit down!", said Snape. "Today, we shall discuss the history of Farty Poo-Ass Bunghole McMonsterCrack! And then, I'm going to explain the process of curing Professor Dumbledore's life-threatening ass explosions by giving him a fucking tight JUICY handjob onto Dumbledore's face, making him invincible. And then, how to make an excellent pudding from Dumbledore's spooge. To be handed in next lesson. And then, I am teaching you the dark art of power-pooping your smelly shit directly up the butt in reverse. And then, how to reopen the chamber of illegal sex! And then, and then, how to... do stuff. And then -" "Professor, wait!", said Harry. "I don't under-" "Do not interrupt me, Potter!", said Snape. "As I was saying, you will write me an essay on me: Professor Severus Sexy Master of Your Buttholes. And then, I am teaching you all how to take your bags, and get out of my sight forever. Any questions?" "Yes!", said Hermione. "What are you talking about?" But Snape wasn't listening. Snape was pulling on his cock. Rubbing it, he said "(heavy breathing and groaning sounds) What fun! Now, stand up and take out your potion, Potter..." Harry got to his feet feeling nervous. "And what are you going to do?", Harry asked. "I will cum from my privates into your potion!", said Snape. "Brace yourself now!" Then, Snape suddenly did something very strange. Without offering any explanation, Snape fisted his own ass with a watering can. It went like this: "(strange sound) Ah... (strange sound) Dah... (strange sound) Uh.... (strange sounds) Fuck! I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming, ooh, cum, I am bursting! (poikpoikpoikpoikpoik) Very good, fuck! More... cum... (poikpoikpoikpoikpoikpoikpoikpoikpoikpoik) Ah......" Pearly white and transparent, Snape's jizz filled all of their goblets. It was warm. "There it is. The most cum the world has ever seen! I made an entire sloppy cauldron full." Fuckbeak stroked the fucking cock, and he groped his balls as he watched it cum. It oozed onto the floor as he blew his load. "Now," said Snape, holding up a goblet of Snape Juice, "I am telling you all to drink my cum for dessert, like this: (numnumnumnum) Delicious." Snape paused for a moment, apparently to savor the unusual tastes. "What a big fag!", whispered Ron. "SILENCE!", shouted Snape. "I do not like the cock, you asshole!" "Gay..." said Ron under his breath. "I said SHUT UP!" hissed Snape. "Hello, look at me! I'm Professor Snape!", said Harry. "Mmm, I love penis!" "SILENCE! I will not be spoken to like that! You stupid buttfaces! Five points from Gryffindor!" "Please, sir!" said Hermione, when Miss Granger interrupted Snape with his gay voice. "I was under the impression that you are jailbait!" "Oh, yes. 50 more points from Gryffindor, for being A HOE! Now, get out your dick, Potter! CUM!" he hissed in Ron's ear. "All of you, now!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione started an enormous floor-to-ceiling fap, slipping and falling as they came. (fapping sounds and groaning) Harry's legs were trembling so badly they barely supported him. Hermione's hand was clamped so tightly around his penis that Harry was sure she was going to tear it. "Ah, ah, aaaaaaah!" said Harry, spurting instantly. (poik) "My turn!" said Ron. "Ah, Hermione, ah, ah, I'm going to cum! Woo! (poik) Woo! (poik) AAAAAAAAAAH!" Ron's ass farted so hard that bits of meat and carrot flew everywhere. "Oh, fuck off." said Hermione. Ron's ass exploded, filled with food as usual. (pfft) F-A-R-T, C-R-A-P. "Hahaha, Harry, look at it!" said Ron, watching it disgorge its gourdy innards. Meanwhile, Hermione and Ginny touched each other's boobies, and immediately started making love with each other, and fingering very hard, spilling so much vagina juice onto the floor. "I found this highly erotic", said Harry. "I want to cum again." It was no easy task. While Ron kept watch, he tugged and twisted. His forehead wrinkled with effort. "Grunt, grunt." said Harry. Finally, he jerked his dick at the speed of light. "Woo!", said Harry, pulling as fast as he could. It sounded like (constant "poik"s becoming increasingly rapid) "I have cumming!" Harry said. And at last, the manly... DONG... MILK was expelled from Harry's penis so forcefully, space and time began to fuck up really bad, and stuff like this, (multiple distorted "poik"s), as a result of time compression. And then, the classroom collapsed into its semen singularity. Physical reality became a formless haze, replaced with swirling pearly perfection. Absolute silence filled the classroom. Everybody looked around, but nobody spoke. Snape dropped his watering can, a look of shock frozen on his face, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, or rather, what HAD been the ceiling. Harry roared with laughter, to reveal a black hole in the center of his fucking dickhole. "I'm now supreme ruler of the universe!" he said, while he mourned humanity's existence as insignificant as insects beneath his time-consuming, paradoxic junk. It stretched across two million universes. Then, an infinite number of dimensions flew past the students' heads from all sides. Harry caught a glimpse of what looked like Snape's classroom inside one of the countless realities flashing past him, except everyone's heads were enormous penises. Then, he saw another, inside which, an enormous puppy was taking a gigantic shit onto the whole school. After that, one where Snape was NOT a faggot. And then, a reality in which Jim Dale's life is narrated by Harry Potter characters. (gulp) I hate that one... it's terrible. Finally, an extremely stupid reality in which Dirty Potter is narrated by Stephen Fry, like this. (Narration is switched from Jim Dale to Stephen Fry) Hello. This is Stephen Fry. I hope you enjoy listening. Chapter one: Harry Potter and The Shitty Toilet Paper. Harry had spent the morning completely emptying his ass, leaving a lot of blood and shit into the toilet, before returning to his bedroom, and slamming Hermione in the backdoor for several years before cumming, like "Skeet skeet, oh, oh! (poikpoikpoik)" Jim Dale: "This is terrible!" Shut up. Um... anyway. Harry looked up just in time to see Hagrid flapping his dick! "I'M CUMMIN', HARRY! I'M CUMMIN', HARRY! MURF! I'M CUMMIN'! HERE WE GO A-(POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) Harry... (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) I'm sorry! (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) I'M SORRY!" moaned Hagrid. (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) Harry! (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) Jerking! (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK)" 19 years later... "STAGNIACKSTAGIANIAGASAGFSA! (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK) Harry... (POIKPOIKPOIKPOIKPOIK)" Fat bag of shit. The end. (Narration switches back to Jim Dale) ...Right. Well, uh... it made no sense. No sense at all. I'm done! Done as much as I can, I think. Fuck it. I'm going to keep going until I succeed, or I die. Don't think I don't know how this might end. (sigh) I've known it for years. Category:Fuckbeak and Friends Category:Audiobooks